First of all, for the readers of this article, I apologize you for what you will read. This is the raw and true content of my heart which you may found very gloomy or boastful. I’m sorry too for my friends and teachers for I never really hate you. These stuffs I wrote mainly describe how do I see your actions from my perspective as a part of the senior high school environment, which is social life with you. No offense, but I think what you have been doing is wrong. Your actions deviate your virtues you had told me earlier, and this kind act of hypocrisy should stop. Either you will hate me for what I am thinking or still be my friends, it’s your choice. But, you have to know that deeply in my heart I don’t hate you or I want to destroy you; these things I wrote are based on a purpose to make you realize of your wrong actions. I want you to change to be better people so that we can really live peacefully in Lord Jesus Christ.
I have to say that this is the article I struggled the most to write. I had to deal with my internal conflicts which were very hard to be simplified and finished. I also dealed with my old wounds and hatred. These supposedly gone feelings were not vanished actually, so the wounds were opened again. The hardest part was the halfway paragraphs. I was very, very frustrated that I could only see people’s weaknesses, not their positive sides. But, in the end of this article, I finally found my inner peace and realized about what God wants in my life and the reason why these happened.
This complex of fate began when I figured out that I wasn’t picked as a participant in my school’s basic training of leadership (Indonesian: “LDK”). Today was the day when the participants were gone, and although I had dealt with this issue a long time ago, the same question came back: why was I not picked in school’s organisations (including school’s events’ committee, orientation committee and student body organisation)? That query remained in me since grade 8, and now it’s finally answered.
This inquiry appeared because from my perspective, I really have proven my capacity and growth as an adolescent more than anyone else in my generation. I thought I have qualified every requirements needed and I wasn’t picked! I would like to – sorry my beloved teachers, but as I’ve stated it before, I was kind of frustrated – protest the teachers in front of their faces that I deserv the chance more than anyone else!
I am a man of integrity. I may don’t have good look or appearances, but I always strive to reach my best results and try my best in everything I do. I may be socially awkward. I may talk too fast and I stutter a lot when I talk, but physical appearances are not equal with what is contained in your heart is it? I have shown my ability to overcome every obstacle that came in front of me. And above all of them, I have the persistence and perseverance which drive me to always seek for opportunities to progress. I am also honest and against all of the bad influences or actions that will definitely digress me from my path in Lord Jesus Christ.
What do others have that I don’t? People may have good looks, brain, talents or anything else that surpass my capability. But, from my point of view, their actions don’t even reflect that they are Christians. They are hypocrites, slackers, haters and backbiters. People nowadays hated other people in their backs when they had apologised them. Do these reflect the belief in Christ? I don’t think so.
How about me? I have dealt with hatred since I was grade 8, so I knew that it never brings you any good; it will only destroy you from the inside. Since my repentance and renewal of faith last year by Mr. Ali the Christian study teacher, I have learned to accept every person and to love my neighbors as my own siblings. I don’t take their mockeries towards me as burdens; I will try my best to forget and forgive what they have done so that I will be able to help them wholeheartedly the next time they ask for my help. I also oppose the idea of mocking others behind their backs because truly these insults kill they who are mocked in a very slow, painful process.
During those moments of what I thought was inequity, I was very angry to Lord Jesus Christ. “Where is Your justice, Lord?”, I spoke in my heart. “I have faced a lot of hardships and during those times my faith in You never failed. Why was I not chosen while they who were mere Christians were chosen? Do I still need to prove myself? I have given my best! I believe that everything happens for a reason which is Yours, and You always know what is best for me. But this is too much for me to handle and I am very confused, Lord. I need an answer for all of these. Please. I will accept whatever your answer it and won’t ever complain of anything again.”
Then, I kept living my life as usual; reading, going to school, studying, writing and contemplating. I can, by the Holy Spirit, find reasons and wisdom behind every moments of my life and relate it with what God wants. But, for this problem, I found nothing. It’s like my head was hit repeatedly on a very hard wall yet it was not even scratched! But I remember clearly that during this period, Lord Jesus kept telling me to “wait for the answer. It is coming for you soon. Keep doing your best and don’t give up in me,” through every moments in my life afterwards. As a man in faith in Him, I decided to keep walking on the path. A thought to stop walking came every time I recollected about this, but I decided to carry on and see what the answer Lord gives really is. And today, God really gave me the answer I have been waiting for. It was not exactly an answer but more of deeper comprehensions towards the problem. But yes, He opened my eyes on this problem and I finally found peace.
Today’s school pray and worship service – which is organized weekly every Wednesday – gave the current three generations in my school a theme which hit me directly in my heart: “God is good all the time”. When I heard of the theme, an idea passed through my mind: this is the moment when He will reveal the answer to me. So, I straightened my seat to listen carefully what the preacher said.
The sermoner, Mr. Luke, is my headmaster and I really respect him for the theological wisdom he has. He brought the verses from the book of Psalm chapter 100 which is used for giving grateful praise. He assessed the last four verses, which I found very interesting. Mr. Luke explained it in two parts which were verses 2-3 and 4-5. The verses were these.
2 Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before Him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the Lord is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
4 Enter His gates with thanksgiving
and His courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.
5 For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.
Verse 2 is an invitation to worship the Lord, he said. Verse 3 is the reason why does the invitation be given; why we have to worship and glorify Him. I noted that because He made us and we were repented in Him thus making us His people. So, as the repented people we shall worship Him wholeheartedly. These verses also serve as the base for verse 4 and 5.
In verse 4, it is clearly implied that when we do the worship, we are entering His presence. Repented people shall enter the presence of Lord Jesus Christ with a light heart so that we can act in His will, not with negative emotions which belong to the Devil. Verse 5 gives us the very basic reasoning of this chapter and why we have to worship Him and glorify Him and be grateful in Him. It is that because “LORD is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.”
Right after he explained the significancy of theverses, he asked about the 300 people present in the hall: do we believe that God is good all the time all the time? The words “all the time” were repeated twice because it had the meaning if we believe about the God’s forever goodness idea all the time. He himself explained that he didn’t, but now he is. He shared two things which correlated with the theme, but the sharing that really, really triggered my understanding was the sharing about his sister. During the times that event occurred, he didn’t really believe the idea that God is good all the time but as time progressed the event eventually made him convinced about the virtue.
The event is about his older sister’s death approximately 20 years ago. He told us that the death was right an hour after he said goodbye to his sister. It was the first time his sister bid farewell to him, he said, and also the last. 60 minutes later, God took away his sister. Listening and imagining the event, I believe that if I was in his position, I couldn’t bear the pain and suffering inflicted.
He was very angry to God that time. He probably contemplated the same things I wrote in the previous paragraphs and asked the same questions, but he found the answer which is – thanks to Lord’s kindness – passed to me now.
Mr. Luke told us that during thattime, his family was not very harmonious. His parents fought frequently and the siblings didn’t go along very well. But, after his sister’s death, his parents reconciled and his siblings made peace with each other. In the end, he realized that his sister’s death was God’s way to reunite his nearly broken family. This realization brought him to a conclusion: God is really good all the time and He has plans for every human. What happens now maybe painful and too hard for us to accept, but believe in God that behind everything happens to us there are wisdoms and lessons to be learnt.
After the preach Mr. Luke gave, I recounted all of the events and I realized that I was wrong because God has been doing good things for me – until now. I was very stupid to be such an arrogant person. I was lack of humble and admittance that I am not ready to receive such a huge responsibility. Luckily, this didn’t lead me to my downfall and my faith didn’t fail; it brought me to an acceptance that I will have to receive everything – even my own indefinite fate – in my life humbly because what happened to me is God’s plan and He always knows the best for me. That clearly clarifies that God is good all the time, even in bad moments.
Another idea came to my mind: probably I wouldn’t be who I am now if I was chosen as the member of student body organisation or any similar positions. I wouldn’t meet Mr. Ali in that occasion (I will write the event sometime in the future) and therefore I wouldn’t be repented and return to the right path of Lord Jesus Christ. My mind wouldn’t have grown this far. I wouldn’t have met my best friends, many amazing, great people and the person I love. Every person has their own fate, so why do I want to tread other’s destiny while I myself am not walking on my path?
So, I assumed that His final answer is that “you are carrying enough responsibilities and lessons right now.” He’s right. I am way too childish and immature for things that require great responsibility, including positions in any organisations and being in a relationship (which I will assess some time in the future). After all of the things that happened, I finally found a divine peace given by Lord Jesus Christ and a solution to this very problem. My future and fate are coming soon. I may don’t have what I want, but I have what I need to fulfill my dream. Now, that my faith is renewed again, I am ready to accept everything that comes to my life, thanks to Lord Jesus Christ.